Mom's Who Can't Say No!
On Friday, October 6th, 2006 -Oprah's show was entitled “Mom’s Who Can’t Say No”, which was talking about raising the next generation of “spoiled rotten” kids who are lazy and want everything for nothing.
These kids figure “I'll just ask Mom or Dad, or Step Mom and Step Dad”...all the while using guilt, persistence and plain old anger to get what they want.
Here are some highlights from the show:
"Experts say we are raising the most overindulged generation in the history of this country and many parents don't realize giving kids everything can actually ruin their lives. In fact, it's believed that saying "no" to your child can be the most loving thing you can do as a parent."
According to one of her featured guests Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, "The one thing that kids need in huge doses is love".
Rabbi Boteach
says, "They're insatiable for it. They're not getting it".
The reason why is:
- Exhaustion: Parents can’t say no because they don’t have the energy to do so.
- Guilt: Not being able to give more of their time, parents often give material gifts instead.
- A Loveless Society:
Rabbi Boteach
says that “we don’t live in a very loving society. People come from broken childhoods, they often have loveless marriages. The only love they get back is from their children, so they’re afraid to discipline them because they think their children won’t love them.”
Finally,
Rabbi Boteach
says, “Parents to need realize that discipline is love and ‘No’ is just as loving as saying ‘Yes’".
I totally agree with
Rabbi Boteach
EXCEPT for the power of NO versus YES.
Look the facts are clear: Parents are busy, stressed and consumed with their own personal and financial problems, yet I believe parents do try hard. They want to do it all, and naturally it takes it's toll on every aspect of life, but to just turn the tide by saying "NO" is not only extremely hard to do, for the very reasons they mention, it is also detrimental to your child.
To show what I mean, let's use an extreme example - walking. Imagine if every time your child asked for help walking, you said "No". Imagine if every time your child asked for help with homework, you said "No", imagine every time your child asked for some new clothes, you said "No"....
Let's review the highlights: "No, No, No, No, No, No........." How great is that?
The real solution lies in the context and framework of the HOW we parent and HOW we can position everything we do with our kids as empowering. Our kids need love, support and boundaries: saying NO, doesn't draw the boundary lines, it only sets up for more anger, frustration, guilt, whining which usually ends up as a great divide.
The real solution lies in PROACTIVE parenting - thinking about life in advance. When do we as parents sit down and actually ask: What's coming up for our kids - developmentally, and how can we prepare in advance to best help them, to support them, to guide them in a lovingly, empowering manner.
Parents need to think WIN: WIN and that's what the KidsWealth Money Program is about - setting budgets and boundaries for our kids, with a framework that is supportive, empowering and Win: Win. I have always said this and I know it's true. Kids love money and things (toys, the new cool thing, etc), but there is one thing they value most - the ability to make their own decisions.
Here's the underlining problem for all kids: The only way for most of them to get anything is to ask their parents, or grandparents. Now some may say “Oh no, my kids can earn money by doing chores or I pay them an allowance”. Allowances and chores don't work for 90% of parents because they are poorly executed, inconsistent and the amount of money that kids get is too little to have any real meaning to them.
Imagine a 7 year old, who gets $2 per week for allowance. What can you buy for $2???? Ok, he earns 50 cents for making his bed? Who cares? He doesn't! Ask the majority of kids, coins don’t mean anything because they know they can buy anything with them.
Here's the KidsWealth solution:
1. Pay your child every month with a Kid's Pay: It must be real, and mean something: $100, $200 per month – something that is actually relative to your lifestyle!
2. Teach them a money management system. You don’t want good spenders or good savers; you want your kids to be good money managers.
3. Incorporate it into your day to day life, where you child may have $20 or $40 in their Fun Account to buy their own toys, games etc, or $30 in a Learn Account to buy books, or go to the space exhibit. When you go shopping, have your kids bring their wallets, so they can be part of the process, otherwise they are going to ask, whine, beg, plea and they will make you feel guilty. They will persist (because they have broken you before!).
When they ask, “Can I have this?” - Your answer is YES! How much do you have in your "FUN" Account or "LEARN" Account? If they do not have enough then they can "Plan" for it, using their "PLAN" Account.
I watched that Oprah show with my wife Liz, who looked at me and said,” KidsWealth is the solution; how do we get it out there to help more families?” We are figuring that part out now, because we know it works, for our family and many families that have started using the KidsWealth program.
Life is great, wonderful and fun. As parents, we are lucky to be blessed with amazing kids who light up everything we do. Sure some days you want to trade them, that's normal and ok. Sometimes your kids will want to trade you in also. That's just life, but if you can figure out a way with everything you do as parents, to make it simple, fun, positive, educational and transformation (theses are our core values at KidsWealth) then life will be amazing and their futures bright and hopeful.
Cheers to a wonderful family life!
Michael DaSilva
Co-founder of KidsWealth Inc.
www.kidswealth.com
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